Episode 40: Dare to Lead Book Club [Part Six] : Living Into Our Values
Your Values, Your Guide
When things get tough and distractions are loud - your values will keep you on course.
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(The notes below are only a brief summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
This is episode six where we dive into the book: “Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown. I am sharing the things that stick out most to me and add my thoughts about those things. It is a one sided conversation - but I would love to hear from you! I would welcome your thoughts on comments about your experience with this great book!
This episode covers Part Two (Living Into Our Values)
As a reminder - the quote that much of Brené Brown’s work is inspired by the quote from Theodore Roosevelt (see image). It helps to remember this - as there is much reference to “the arena”.
When we talk about when we are in the arena – there are lots of distractions and noise and hecklers and cynics. It can be hard to stay in the arena. We sometimes want to “prove, perfect, perform and please”. “We can either hustle to show the crowd that we deserve to be there, or we can let them scare us off. Either way, it’s easy to let them get in our head and hijack our efforts.”
“In those moments when we start putting other voices in front of our own, we forget what made us go into the arena in the first place, the reason we’re there. We forget our values.” Sometimes we don’t even know what our values are or how to name them. Knowing our values serves as a reminder for why we are doing what we are doing and what we stand for. When things get muddy, uncomfortable or hard – we can look to our values and check for alignment.
So far in the book – we’ve talked about in those tough situations (conversations), courage and how it is required for getting rid of our armor. In Brene’s research – daring leaders did not only have that courage and use the rumble skills – they had clarity of their values.
Brené says a value is “a way of being or believing that we hold most important.” She goes on to say: “Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk – we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs.”
We need to be clear on what our values are before we can live into them. Brené shares three steps to living into your values that I will share her. This is similar to how I talk about value clarity with the clients I work with:
Step one: We Can’t Live into Values That We Can’t Name. In order to stay aligned with our values – we have to know what they are. We have to be clear on what it most important to us. People often ask Brené this question (my clients ask me the same): “Should I be thinking about my personal or my professional values?” She and I agree on this: We are one person – we have one set of values.
You really need to narrow your list of values down to 2-4. Doing that is tough - people want to pick more! But research has shown that those most willing to rumble with vulnerability and practice courage tethered their behavior to one or two values, not ten. It’s like that saying – when you try to please everyone, you please no on. “If everything on the list is important – then nothing is truly a driver for you.”
In the book - Brené provides a list of possible values and direction on how to get clarity. I also have a free resource on my website - feel free to grab it - it will help you!
Brené says: “our values should be so crystallized in our minds, so infallible, so precise and clear and unassailable, that they don’t feel like a choice – they are simply a definition of who we are in our lives. In those hard moments, we know that we are going to pick what’s right, right now, over what is easy. Because that is integrity – choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s practicing your values, not just professing them.”
They need to feel true for YOU - not resemble something you’ve been coached to be.
Once you have clarity about your values - ask yourself:
Does this define me?
Is this who I am at my best?
Is this a filter that I use to make hard decisions?
Step two: Taking Values from BS to Behavior. Often times people talk a big game when it comes to values – but few practice them. Many organizations have company values - yet “only about 10% of organizations have operationalized their values into teachable and observable behaviors that are used to train their employee and hold them accountable. Ten percent.” They become a joke. They become words on the wall.
This step is about operationalizing your values. Defining three or four behaviors that support our values and three of four “slippery behaviors” – actions we find ourselves tempted to do even though they are counter to our values.
The best way to do this is to think through some arena moments when you either did or did not show up in a way that felt aligned with your values.
We all know what it feels like to step outside of your values. Staying comfortable instead of voicing what we believe. We test ourselves all of the time. And it can be really uncomfortable. But like I always say – it’s outside of our comfort zone where the magic happens.
And that feel of discomfort – it’s all based on a thought we are having. And thoughts are optional.
Again – the questions you can ask when operationalizing your values are;
What are three behaviors that support your value?
What are three slippery behaviors that are outside your value?
What’s an example of a time when you were fully living into this value?
Step Three: Empathy and Self-Compassion: The Two Most Important Seats in the Arena. She gives the analogy that one of the greatest challenges during our arena moments is the people in the stands – specifically the hardened season ticket holders who show up no matter what. And these are the ones we tend to focus on. Shame, scarcity and comparison on in these seats.
She says that “regardless of the values you pick, daring leaders who live into their values are never silent about hard things.” She uses this portion to talk about how the box seats of the arena are reserved for the privileged. And that there is a very important, uncomfortable and brave discussion that every organization and every leader should be having – and that is about privilege. “We have to think about and talk about factors like race, age, gender, class, sexual orientation, physical ability and cognitive ability, just to name a few.”
She points out that “silence is not about brave leadership and silence is not a component of brave cultures.”
How does that resonate for you?
These powerful statements are directly from the book:
“A brave leader is not someone who is armed with all the answers.”
“A brave leader is not someone who can facilitate a flawless discussion on hard topics.”
“A brave leader is someone who says I see you. I hear you. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m going to keep listening and asking questions.”
“We all have the capacity to do that. We all have the ability to foster empathy.”
“If we want to do good work, it’s imperative that we continue to flesh out these harder conversations, to push against secrecy, silence and judgement.”
This is what fosters empathy and creates a space for self-compassion. Those are most important seats in the arena.
“In the empathy seat – we just need one or two people who know our values and support our efforts to put them in action. And the self-compassion seat is for us.”
If we don’t have our own backs and cheer ourselves on – we cannot expect anyone else to do it.
Here are some additional questions you can ask yourself:
Who is someone who knows your values and supports your efforts to live into them?
What does support from this person look like?
What can you do as an act of self-compassion to support yourself in the hard work of living into your values?
What are the early warning indicators or signs that you’re living outside your values?
What does it feel like when you’re living into your values?
How does living into your two key values shape the way you give and receive feedback?
She moves into talking about Living into Our Values and Feedback. She says that “one of the biggest challenges we face, especially at work, is staying aligned with our values when giving and receiving feedback.”
As leaders – one of the ‘responsibilities’ we have is to give feedback. It isn’t a checkbox item – there is a purpose for feedback – and there are many things to consider to giving and receiving feedback effectively. One thing I talk to leaders about is very similar to what Brené talks about – and that is checking to see if you are in the right HEADSPACE for giving feedback. Remember – you are talking to a human. With human emotions, needs, experiences. It should not be a “because I’m supposed to” action.
Brené put together an ‘engaged feedback checklist for her book, Daring Greatly – and she included it in this book – as it is applicable for leaders. She shares 10 guidelines to go through for feedback readiness:
1. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.
2. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it towards you).
3. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.
4. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of just picking apart your mistakes.
5. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges.
6. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming.
7. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I’m open to owning my part.
8. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than just criticizing them for their failings. (feedback isn’t just reserved for issues)
9. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and opportunity.
10. I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.
You always want to bring your core values to feedback conversations. And – as she says – when sharing something that is difficult – make space for the people to feel the way they feel – in contrast to either punishing them for having those feelings because YOU are uncomfortable, or trying to rescue them from their feelings – that’s not courageous and that’s not your job.
It’s just as important to get good at receiving feedback. A good question to ask yourself is:
How do we stay aligned with our values while we’re receiving feedback, regardless of the skill of the person delivering it?
I really love this headline she has in the book:
KNOW MY VALUES = KNOW ME. NO VALUES = NO ME.
This is all about getting to know other people’s values. Each person has their own unique core values, and we should not expect others to have the same two core values as us. But we SHOULD get to know what is important to the individuals we lead. It can help in connection and trust building.
In the book, Brené talks a lot about the importance of operationalizing your values. I talk about this with clients all the time and I’ve worked with some who do this well! To operationalize your values – you need to put them into skills-based behaviors that can be taught, observed and evaluated. It helps employees understand what the values really mean in the context of the organization. You can do this for your own individual values as well (for your own purposes). It makes them real and actionable.
Here is one example from Brené’s company:
Value: Be Brave.
Behaviors:
I set clear boundaries with others.
I lean into difficult conversations, meetings and decisions.
I talk to people, not about them.
It also benefits the culture over all – giving it a shared language. And helps in guiding decision-making, process development, etc.
I really love this direct quote from this section of the book:
“Daring leaders who live into their values are never silent about hard things.”
From the Read-Along Workbook
What are the early warning indicators or signs that you’re living outside your values?
What does it feel like when you’re living into your values?
What do you think?
Are you clear on your top 2 - 4 core values?
Do you know when you are living outside of your values?
Links / References
2010 TED Talk: Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
Episode 07 (The Magic of Knowing Your Values)
Free Resource: Discover Your Values
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