Episode 41: Dare to Lead Book Club [Part Seven]: Braving Trust
Trust = Connection
When connection is broken - everything else is at risk. Let’s make BRAVING trust a priority.
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(The notes below are only a brief summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
This is episode seven where we dive into the book: “Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown. I am sharing the things that stick out most to me and add my thoughts about those things. It is a one sided conversation - but I would love to hear from you! I would welcome your thoughts on comments about your experience with this great book!
This episode covers Part Three (Braving Trust)
Trust is really such a volatile word. If someone questions our trustworthiness – it send us into a tailspin. It can cause us to armor up faster than Iron Man. It can cause us to stop being seen, to get defensive, or to shut down.
And when that happens – it’s hard to process anything being said - because our lower brain (I affectionately call it our “monkey brain”) kicks in. Our monkey brain is where our emotions live - and where the subconscious and/or unhelpful thoughts are generated
Brené says this: “We all want to believe that we are trustworthy, even though, ironically, many of us struggle to trust others. Most people believe they’re completely trustworthy, yet they trust only a handful of their colleagues.”
We must realize that BELIEVING we’re trustworthy and being PERCEIVED as trustworthy by others are two different things.
Charles Feltman wrote The Thin Book of Trust and provided definitions of both trust and distrust – which Brené says align with how her research participants talk about trust.
Feltman defines trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”
He describes distrust as deciding that “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).”
Those definitions really create some feelings! Like Brené says in the book – could you image if someone said to you – “what is important to me is not safe with you in this situation, or really in any situation.”? Your brain would create all kinds of unhelpful thoughts about what you make that mean about you - - and even the other person.
She states this in the book - and it is so true:
No trust. No connection.
Trust (or the lack of it ) is hard to talk about. It is much easier to avoid – and that is what often happens. Brené says that when we do this, two things can happen:
When we don’t talk about it directly with the person involved, it leads us to talk about people instead of to them (it’s like we need to get it off our chest – and we do that in what can be unhelpful ways).
Trust is the glue that holds teams and organizations together. When we ignore trust issues at the expanse of our own performance – it is also at the expense of the team’s or organizations’ success.
Think about that. Trust has so much power! It is a major factor in whether a person, team or organization is successful. Yet – when it’s absent – it is often avoided.
Think about this:
Have you worked for a leader that you did trust? What specific behaviors and actions did that leader have or do that led to you trusting them? What did that do to your work experience? How did that impact your satisfaction and success?
Have you worked for a leader that you did not trust? What specific behaviors and actions did that leader have or do that led to you distrust them? What did that do to your work experience? How did that impact your satisfaction and success?
Trust is not a ‘soft’ skill (which, to me, ‘soft’ skills are not a thing. Take a listen to Episode 4 for more on that)
It is a must have. It changes everything. It either can lead to failure (no trust) or proving that all things are possible.
Brené asks the question: “if trust is a “must have” and many leaders experience the trust conversation as a “must-avoid”, what’s the solve?”
And here is the answer – get specific. We need to articulate what the specific behaviors and actions look like in trust – and be able to clearly identify where the breach lies…and then talk about it.
“The more exact we can be, the more likely it is that people can hear us, that we can give feedback on behavior and stay away from character, and that we can support real change.”
The BRAVING Inventory
Brené and her team really dug into trust and identified seven behaviors that make up the anatomy of trust. She came up with an acronym for the behaviors that define trust: BRAVING. It is so helpful!! As she says – it’s a good name for the inventory because it reminds us that trust is a vulnerable and courageous process.
She explains the BRAVING Inventory is first and foremost a conversation guide to use with colleagues that walks us through the conversation from a place of curiosity, learning and ultimately trust-building. It is a tool for creating space, time and intention to talk about trust in a way that is productive and actionable.
She uses it like this: each person fills out the BRAVING Inventory on their own – and then meets with others one-on-one to talk about where experiences align and differ.
Here is what BRAVING stands for:
B: Boundaries
R: Reliability
A: Accountability
V: Vault
I: Integrity
N: Non judgement
G: Generosity
I found it interesting about what she said regarding the “Vault”. This is about confidentiality. Her example talks about how confidentiality has two sides. It’s not just about holding things confidentially – but also sharing things that are not yours to share. Telling you things that they shouldn’t. Do you tend to trust that person more or less? So – you might not be breaking trust by sharing things I’VE asked you not to – but if you share things with me that aren’t yours to share – that also could erode trust.
Accountability is another thing that is talked about in leadership a lot. We say: “you need to hold people accountable”. But in this sense – it’s about holding yourself accountable – which will breed trust. Owning your mistakes, apologizing when it makes sense, making amends.
I also would expand on the non judgment. I think it’s really important- but also tricky. Because of the way our brains work – we will judge. It’s the first response. It can be from a place of comparison, from self-doubt, from ego, etc. And it’s not only judging others, but ourselves. We have to recognize that it is normal. It’s how we bring awareness to it, get curious and open our perspective that makes the difference.
Putting the BRAVING Inventory into Practice
This is so key. It’s taking the inventory and talking about the strengths and areas for growth in your working relationship – one-on-one. This is where things may surface that never would have otherwise. It will allow you to make adjustments and build that trust.
You can also work as a team to develop one or two observable behaviors for each of the seven elements. They would reflect how your team wants to work and reflective of the culture you want to create.
She also calls out how building trust happens in small moments over time. She says “we don’t earn trust by demanding it with “Trust me!”. It’s by the small moments. The caring comments. The behaviors and the actions.”
The Basics of Self-Trust
I’m so glad she talks about self-trust in the book. As you’ve probably heard me say – this type of self-awareness work is an inside out job. You must include yourself in all of it.
She says that “the foundation of trust with others is really based on our ability to trust ourselves.”
Do you trust yourself? Or are there times when you did something that caused you to question your own ability to depend on yourself? I love the thought of using the BRAVING Inventory to check in on yourself and the situation.
From the Read-Along Workbook
Review the BRAVING Inventory - asking yourself questions to assess where you are with self-trust
Go through the BRAVING Inventory with a colleague, peer or your team
What do you think?
Are you comfortable talking about trust, or is it a topic you avoid?
Links / References
2010 TED Talk: Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
Charles Feltman: The Thin Book of Trust
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