Episode 38: Dare to Lead Book Club [Part Four]: Shame & Empathy
Empathy is a Superpower
Shame is normal - and uncomfortable. Empathy will dilute it.
Enjoy!
Listen Here:
(The notes below are only a brief summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
This is episode four where we dive into the book: “Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown. I am sharing the things that stick out most to me and add my thoughts about those things. It is a one sided conversation - but I would love to hear from you! I would welcome your thoughts on comments about your experience with this great book!
This episode covers Part Four (Shame & Empathy)
Section Four
In this section – Brené Brown gets real about shame and how it can’t survive with a healthy dose of empathy. I feel particularly drawn to this topic because of how important I believe empathy is. Empathy shows up as a result of practicing curiosity and compassion – both of which are foundational human and leadership skills.
As you read (and listen to the episode), I invite you to think about how the topic applies to you as a human and as a leader. And in turn – imagine how those you lead also experience shame and have a need for empathy. Think about what YOUR role as a leader can be in their experience.
Shame
As she digs into shame, Brené says:
“What makes embracing vulnerability feel the most terrifying is how taking off the armor and exposing our hearts can open us up to experiencing shame. Our egos are willing to keep our hearts encased in armor, no matter the cost, if we can avoid feeling “less than” or unworthy of love and belonging. What the ego doesn’t understand is that stunting our emotional growth and shutting down our vulnerability doesn’t protect us from shame, disconnection, and isolation, it guarantees them.”
Read that last sentence again.
Shame is that “never good enough” emotion. Even the thought of getting vulnerable can trigger additional thoughts about shame (not worthy of connection, belonging, etc.) – and cause us to keep our armor up before anything has even happened!
Here are the Shame 1-2-3’s
1. We all have it.
2. We’re all afraid to talk about shame. Just the word is uncomfortable.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.
We, as humans, are hardwired for connection, love and belonging.. “Shame is fear of disconnection – it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection”. It is the underbelly of two stories that we often tell ourselves: We are not good enough and/or who do you think you are?
Examples of shame:
Starting a business and not thriving
Getting called out at a meeting
Dealing with a toxic person and not saying anything because that person is a ‘star’ in the eyes of others
Being hired to do one thing – then being told that your thoughts don’t matter.
It’s also helpful to know the difference between guilt and empathy - which are often used interchangeably.
Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.
In the book, she talks about how shame might show up at work. As a note: If you actually SEE shame (such as a manager berating an employee) - know that it is typically used as a control mechanism - and it needs to be dealt with immediately.
Shame, in most cases, is hidden behind the walls of the organization….and it slowly eats away at innovation, trust, connection and culture. Here’s what to look for:
Perfectionism
Favoritism
Gossiping
Back-channeling
Comparison
Self-worth tied to productivity
Harassment
Discrimination
Power-over
Bullying
Blaming
Teasing
Cover-ups
The opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy.
Empathy
Per Brené: “Empathy is one of the linchpins of cultures built on connection and trust – it’s also an essential ingredient for teams who take risks and show up for rumbles.”
Empathy isn’t about making things better. That’s not our job. It’s to connect. It’s to take the perspective of someone else.
“Empathy is not connecting to an experience, it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.”
So even if you haven’t experienced the exact situation – you’ve likely experienced the emotions that underpin the experience.
It’s also helpful to know the differences between empathy and sympathy.
In general, sympathy is when you share the feelings of another; empathy is when you understand the feelings of another but do not necessarily share them.
Sympathy is ACKNOWLEDGING the experience, feelings. Its standing at a safe distance, which can actually trigger shame.
Empathy is UNDERSTANDING the feelings and reflecting back those feelings. It’s the ‘me too’.
Remember: “Empathy is a choice. And it’s a vulnerable choice, because if I were to choose to connect with you through empathy, I would have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.”
Brené share the Five Empathy Skills:
#1: To see the world as others see it, or perspective thinking
#2: To be nonjudgmental – talk about how our brains are doing what brains do
#3: To understand another person’s feelings
#4: To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings
#5: Mindfulness
“Engage, stay curious, stay connected. Let go of the fear of saying the wrong thing, the need to fix it and the desire to offer the perfect response that cures everything.”
When looking at empathy in practice - Brené identifies Six 6 Barriers to Empathy:
Empathy Miss #1: Sympathy vs. Empathy
Empathy Miss #2: The Gasp and Awe
Empathy Miss #3: The Mighty Fall
Empathy Miss #4: The Block and Tackle
Empathy Miss #5: The Boots and Shovel
Empathy Miss #6: If You Think That’s Bad…
Questions from the Read-Along Workbook:
Here are a few of the questions for reflection from the read-along workbook that Brené Brown provides on her website. Take some time to think about them for yourself!
How does shame show up in your organization? How can you help to change that and build shame resilience?
When I share something personal and vulnerable, and I really feel understood, it feels:
When I share something personal and vulnerable, and I don’t feel as if anyone understands, I feel:
When I share something personal and vulnerable, I like the person listening to (ideal empathic response):
When someone shares something painful and personal with me, I:
What do you think?
How does the word shame make you feel?
How do you practice empathy with your team?
Links / References
2010 TED Talk: Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
Superpower Card Decks by SY Partners (talked about in the episode)
Join the Community
Join leaders just like yourself who are looking to increase their leadership confidence and positively impact the world around them. Click here: The Practically Perfect Leader Community
Please leave a review in Apple Podcasts + share with a friend
It will help others find the podcast - the more leaders we can impact - the better our workplaces and lives will be!
Schedule a FREE Consult
Click here to schedule some time - let’s talk about how we can work together through one-on-one coaching, Insights Discovery workshops or other leadership development work!