EP74: Embracing Failure
Everything Has an Upside
Even failure.
Enjoy!
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(The notes below are only a brief summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
In the June 5, 2023 podcast episode and show notes - I had a conversation with Jim Smith from Disney Facts and Figment about turning failures into success through some real life examples from Walt Disney and the Disney organization.
In this episode - I dig into failure a little bit more.
And to kick it off - I’d like you to consider how you would respond to this series of questions:
When you think about failure for yourself – what comes up? What is the feeling or sensation in your body? For example - do you get a sinking feeling in your stomach? Does it make you sweaty? Or does it give you butterflies? Do you feel hopeful? Do you have a personal situation pop into your head – something that you deem to be a failure? What do you make it mean about you? About your abilities? Is it different depending on the area of life or the level of experience?
That was a lot of questions – but I really want you to take some time to think about this. Jot down some notes. The way you respond about the feelings that come up, the sensations in your body, the thoughts you have – reveals a bit about your relationship with failure.
My goal in this episode/post is to shift the way that you might think about failure (if the current way you are thinking about it is not serving you). It’s not to gloss over failure or paint a pretty picture or throw some positive affirmations at it. Failure is a thing, so let’s look at it for what it is. But let’s look at it with an objective eye…even though it is a pretty subjective thing.
Failure vs. Feeling Like a Failure
Failure and feeling like a failure are two different things.
Failure is defined as a lack of success or the inability to meet an expectation.
When you look at the list of feelings (available all over Google) - ‘failure’ is not listed.
What does “feeling like a failure” mean? What does failure feel like? We can imply things like – inadequate, lousy, defeated…..but we can also decide that is the other side to it! We can make “feel like a failure” mean inspired, courageous, hopeful, motivated,
The “not meeting an expectation” is not what is making you “feel like a failure” – it’s the thought about not meeting the expectation that is giving you the feeling. The Failure is just a word that is parallel to the actual circumstance.
Let’s use an example:
Let’s say you interviewed for a promotion and you did not get it.
By definition, you did not meet the expectation of getting the promotion. The failure is the circumstance (did not get the job as proven by the conversation or email). The thought you have about it determines the feeling.
If the thought is: “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never get ahead” – that might generate a feeling like despair, frustration, sadness or defeat.
Someone could also have the thought: “I’ll get it next time” or “Now I know what I need to work on.” or even “this wasn’t the one, but the next one could be.” Those thoughts might bring on feelings like hope or motivation or gratefulness.
Either of those scenarios can be ‘feeling like a failure.’ It’s how you look at it.
Here is another example:
You attempted to sell a service to a client or influence your boss to embrace a new program, system or software and the answer you got was no.
The circumstance (aka failure) was no.
The thought could be: “I’m never listened to” or “I’m better than I’m given credit for” or “I shouldn’t even try”. That might generate feelings like anger, frustration or, resignation.
Or the thought could be: “It was a good experience, I’ll try a different tactic next time” or “They made some good points, I will look at what I could have done differently” or “I’ll be more prepared for the next one.” the feelings from those thoughts might be curiosity or thankfulness or determined.
Both can be ‘feeling like a failure’.
I’m not suggesting that it is easy to shift your thoughts like this.
But I am saying that it is a choice AND there are many sides to failure. It’s not all doom and gloom. You get to decide what you make it mean.
So, again – the first step is to examine your current relationship with failure. How do you define it? How do you experience it? What do you generally make it mean about you?
Failing Ahead of Time
Shifting what you make failure mean is also important when it comes to, what I’ll call, an unhelpful relationship with failure (especially as those failures accumulate). Sometimes we might choose to fail ahead of time. Failing ahead of time is choosing to not do something because of some limiting beliefs or assumptions of what might happen. Or because of the uncertainty – you don’t know what’s going to happen – and that is scary. It’s a way to avoid a possible outcome that you don’t want and avoid the uncomfortable feelings that come with that. So instead of trying and possibly “failing” (or possibly succeeding) – you just fail ahead of time. And it is a fail – because, by definition, you did not meet an expectation. Maybe it’s not having that conversation with your team or your boss, or not applying to be a presenter at a conference or not putting yourself on social media to get your message out.
Again – you can choose the thoughts about that particular circumstance - that failure ahead of time. Failing ahead of time creates an opening for self-punishment, but it also can be really revealing. It can help unearth some limiting beliefs or fears or a lack of self-confidence - and that is all GOOD news, if you’re willing to put in the work of taking a deeper look and create change.
The Upsides to Failure
To help in this shift of thinking – a good question to ask is this: What is the upside of failure? It’s pretty easy to think of the downside, but really looking at the upsides turns that all on its head.
Here are some of the upsides:
Failure provides an opportunity to learn from mistakes and gain valuable insights. It can offer a new perspective and help individuals identify areas for improvement, both personally and professionally. By really looking at failures, you can gain knowledge and develop skills that contribute to your growth and future success.
Failure can build resilience and strengthen one's ability to bounce back from setbacks. I don’t mean to not process the feelings…but when you build up resilience – the feelings you have actually change. It teaches individuals to persevere, adapt, and overcome challenges.
Failure often sparks innovation and creativity. When something doesn't work out as planned, it encourages individuals to think outside the box, explore new approaches, and find alternative solutions. Many groundbreaking inventions and discoveries have resulted from repeated failures and the willingness to experiment.
Failure can foster humility and empathy. Experiencing setbacks and recognizing one's own limitations can promote a humble attitude and an appreciation for the efforts of others. Failure can also help individuals empathize with others who are going through similar challenges, leading to stronger connections and support networks.
Failure can provide clarity about goals, priorities, and aspirations. It allows individuals to reassess their path, values, and ambitions, leading to a more focused and purpose-driven life. By understanding what doesn't work, people can refine their strategies and redirect their efforts towards more meaningful pursuits.
Failure makes success sweeter. When individuals experience failure, it often amplifies the joy and satisfaction of achieving success in the future. Failure can provide a contrast that allows individuals to truly appreciate and savor their accomplishments when they eventually achieve them.
Failure can encourage individuals to take calculated risks and step out of their comfort zones. It helps develop a resilient mindset that views failures as stepping stones towards success, rather than insurmountable obstacles. People who embrace failure are more likely to explore new opportunities and pursue ambitious goals.
When looking at a specific failure – I like to ask: What would be missed if that failure hadn’t happened? Some time might need to pass in order to see that. For example – in not getting the promotion – you may have missed learning a new skill as you prepped for another opportunity. You might have missed the evidence gained about your own resiliency. You might have missed the opportunity to be mentored by someone or a different role that was a better fit coming your way or the chance to really assess what you want….. there is usually something – you just need to ask the question and be willing to answer it.
Expect to Fail
As you think about and possibly shift your relationship to failure, look at it as a circumstance where you can choose your thoughts and also give air time to the upside – I will leave you with one more thing.
What if you just expected to fail?
Don’t even pretend that it won’t happen or don’t avoid the thoughts that things could go wrong. I don’t mean be pessimistic or stop approaching things from a positive mindset. Not at all.
I just mean embrace the fact that failure is a part of life. It’s part of the process. Just know that it likely will happen. Because if you are willing to fail, you’re also willing to learn. And you’re going to create results much, much faster. Being willing to fail and embracing failure does two things:
1) It lightens the weight it might have when it DOES happen.
2) It gives you the opportunity to plan for it, make decisions ahead of time about how might you overcome it. What is the worst that can happen?
Mind management around failure becomes very important. When you know how to bring awareness to your thoughts and process any emotion that results – you will create results.
I like this concept introduced by Brooke Castillo, Founder of The Life Coach School. She says to Fail 100 times (hear more in Episode 416 of The Life Coach School Podcast).
Be willing to take risks and fail 100 times, and you will have 100 results to learn from. It reiterates that failure is the path to success, that discomfort is the currency of your dreams, and that if you feel unsure, uneasy and uncertainty – you’re doing the right thing. Keep going because you’ll get there. You’ll get there because you were willing to try, to learn, to grow.
And of course – it might not take 100 times….(i.e. new job..promotion… it might take 10….but your mindset will be ready and willing). You are leaving space for the not knowing or not quite getting the thing…so instead of quitting like 90% of the people might do – you are less discouraged and keep figuring it out.
Just like a baby learning to walk - you fall down, get up, fall down, get up, fall down and get up. Pretty soon - you’re walking.
What’s Next?
Examine your current relationship with failure. How can you see it as a circumstance and manage your thoughts around it.
Give some airtime to the upside of failure.
Consider embracing failure. Expect it. Be willing to fail.
It’s really about the magic of awareness. That awareness allows you to make intentional choices and before you know it – you’ll see that failuren’t that bad. It’s happened for me – it can for you too.
What do you think?
How do you describe your relationship with failure?
Links
Episode 416 of The Life Coach School Podcast: 100 Fails
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