Episode 36: Dare to Lead Book Club [Part Two]
Let’s Rumble
To be courageous, you need to rumble with vulnerability. Let’s talk about how.
Enjoy!
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(The notes below are only a brief summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
This is episode two where we dive into the book: “Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown. I am sharing the things that stick out most to me and add my thoughts about those things. It is a one sided conversation - but I would love to hear from you! I would welcome your thoughts on comments about your experience with this great book! If you haven’t heard the first episode in the series - check it out!
This episode covers Part One (Rumbling with Vulnerability), Sections One (The Moment and the Myths) and Two (The Call to Courage)
It’s all about vulnerability in leadership. We’ll look the questions – what does it mean? Does it belong there? What myths are there about vulnerability?
Section One
Brené shares that to be daring in leadership is not saying “I’m willing to risk failure”. It’s saying “I know I will eventually fail, and I’m still all in.” KNOWING is the difference. Because you can bet that every successful person, every brave person, has known disappointment and failure - - - and they choose to keep going.
Brene’s definition of vulnerability is “the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” She says “it’s not winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”
Think about situations where it comes to your leadership. It’s having the tough conversation. It’s giving feedback. It’s receiving feedback. It’s sharing your opinion even though it might not be the popular one. It’s bringing up ‘uncomfortable’ topics in the workplace (like biases and concerns about inequities). And these experiences that are vulnerable are NOT easy. They can freak us out and make us really uncomfortable. They can put us on the defense (self-protect). But the more we can show up with a whole heart and no armor – the more we sharpen the skill of courage.
Another lesson that Brené shares when it comes to vulnerability is that we need to decide whose opinions matter. Because when you open yourself up to vulnerability – there will be feedback from all directions. And honestly – too much feedback – when we take it all in from everyone – can hurt and cause us to shut down and/or harden. But if we shield ourselves from any feedback – then we stop learning and growing. As she says “when we define ourselves by what everyone thinks, it’s hard to be brave. When we stop caring about what anyone thinks, we’re too armored for authentic connection.”
Brené has identified six myths of vulnerability. As you read them, ask yourself if you have thought any of these things about vulnerability.
Myth #1: Vulnerability is weakness. Vulnerability is NOT a weakness, just like emotions are not a weakness. They make us human and that is it. And honestly – the more we can embrace all the things that make us human instead of ignore, resist or avoid – the better of we are! A question to ask yourself is this: Can you think of any examples of a leader (or person) who practiced courage didn’t experience vulnerability? Likely your answer is no.
Myth #2: I don’t do vulnerability. Again – if you are human – you experience it. Now – you can try to ‘opt out’ – but that means letting fear drive your actions – which is typically going to lead to results you don’t want.
Myth #3: I can go it alone. As we know – we are wired for connection.
Myth #4: You can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort out of vulnerability. There isn’t an app for that!
Myth #5: Trust comes before vulnerability. It’s the chicken and the egg scenario. How do I know I I can trust someone enough to be vulnerable? Can I build trust without ever risking vulnerability? It’s actually both / and. “We need to trust to be vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable to in order to build trust.” Trust and vulnerability grow together – and to betray one is to destroy both.
Myth #6; Vulnerability is disclosure. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean oversharing or disclosing information that isn’t appropriate. You can be a daring leader and not overshare or disclose inappropriately. In times of change is a great example.
The key takeaway is this: “vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake is not effective useful or smart”. “To feel is to be vulnerable. Believing that vulnerability is weakness is believing that feeling is weakness.”
Questions from the Read-Along Workbook:
Thinking about the 6 myths of vulnerability, answer these questions:
I grew up believing that vulnerability was:
For me, vulnerability feels like:
For each of the six myths of vulnerability, rate on a scale of 1-5 how much you need to unlearn (1 = none, 5 = a lot)
In my organization, the messages and expectations about vulnerability are:
When was the last time you saw someone bravely facing uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure? What do you think they were thinking?
When was the last time you bravely faced uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure? What were you thinking?
When you reflect on how you want to show up and be seen as a leader, what do vulnerability and courage look like for you?
What is one way you’ll experiment with being more vulnerable at work?
Section Two
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Feeding people half-truths to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind.
Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.
Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.
Remember, we can’t control what other people think or how they will react. They get to own that.
Courage is asking the uncomfortable questions – getting into topics about feelings. These are things that really create a culture of trust and connection.
When people say they don’t have time - Brené suggests asking you to calculate the cost of distrust and disconnection in terms of productivity, performance and engagement.
One of the most important learnings from her research: “Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.” “If we find ourselves addressing the same problematic behaviors over and over, we may need to dig deeper to the thinking and feeling driving those behaviors.”
This is why I love my Inside Out approach so much! It’s peeling the onion. It’s going beneath the surface. It’s getting curious and allowing space. Remember – we can’t own other people’s’ emotions or take responsibility for them. They are allowed to have their own thoughts or feelings. You can, however, create boundaries for behaviors (ie.. feeling frustrated is okay, yelling is not). “Other people’s emotions are not our jobs. We can’t both serve people and try to control their feelings. Daring leadership is ultimately about serving other people, not ourselves. That’s why we choose courage.”
Questions from the Read-Along Workbook:
What is your personal call to courage as a leader (be specific)? Example – I want to be braver at giving feedback or I want to dig into engagement issues at my organization.
What do you think?
How does vulnerability sit in your workplace culture?
What myths resonate with you?
Links / References
2010 TED Talk: Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability
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