EP121: Dismantling People-Pleasing Tendencies
ONCE A PEOPLE-PLEASER
always a people-pleaser. Or not?
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(The notes below are only a brief bullet point summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
In the last episode (episode 120) - we talked about people-pleasing and how it can get in teh way of effective leadership (and life). I decided that the topic deserves a little more attention. As I spent more thinking about it for myself - I realized that there is another layer of awareness that is necessary when trying to overcome people-pleasing tendencies.
Recap of Episode 120
Definition: People pleasing is prioritizing others needs and desires over one's own, often at the expense of personal wellbeing or authenticity.
Signs of People-Pleasing: tend to agree with (or pretend to agree with) everyone, feel responsible for how other people feel, apologize or take the blame often, calendar or to-do list is filled with things that you think others want you to be doing (not necessarily things you want to be doing), avoid conflict or gets really uncomfortable if you think someone might be mad at you, modify your own behaviors around others or do things that you really don't want to do
Impacts of People-Pleasing: burnout, increased stress, resentment, loss of trust (of self and others), decrease in confidence, loss of credibility, afraid to voice opinions, lack of setting boundaries for the fear of confrontation or disapproval, become known as the “doer” - the easy target
Possible Root of People-Pleasing: need for approval or a fear of disapproval, fear of rejection, low self-belief, low self-confidence, low self-esteem, desire to avoid conflict, desire to avoid discomfort and the uncertainty of not knowing what would happen
The Next Layer
After last week's episode, I was looking at some of the behaviors and situations in which I do some people-pleasing. I was noticing what comes up for me when I work to overcome those behaviors. It was uncomfortable! Not people-pleasing feels inauthentic. It has been part of who I am. So when I want to shift that, it doesn't feel “right”. Which leads to having a new layer of unhelpful thoughts like: I might be a bad person. I might be egotistical. It might mean I'm self-centered or that I don't care.
And since our thoughts create our results - it’s worth paying attention to! Because that extra layer can feed into other things like comparison, imposter syndrome, limiting beliefs, or a lack of confidence. You might stop the people pleasing tendencies, only to replace them with with something else.
So that is where the next level work is.
Here are a few things that I would suggest doing:
Ask the question: “Is it true?” For example - if the thought is “I might be a bad person” or “this might make others think that I don’t care”, challenge those thoughts. Is it true? Do you not care? Prove to your brain that those statements, those unhelpful thoughts actually are not true.
Get clear on the why. Why are you doing the thing? Why are you choosing to speak up? Why are you choosing to deliver the tough message? Why are you suggesting to make a change? And do you like your reasons? When you ground yourself in your why = you will realize that your intentions are very pure and good.
Get clear on the result that you're looking for. With clarity - you can then figure out or decide what actions you need to take and what thoughts do you need to think to support those results.
Do all of this with self-compassion and without judgment.
Our brains are amazing and we have the ability to retrain it to reframe things. But getting to the root of things is where the real magic can happen.
Really understanding this and then taking some action around it will also make you a better leader because you could help others through this as well.
What Do You Think?
What comes up for you when you stop being a people-pleaser?
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