EP120: Are You a People-Pleaser?
PEOPLE-PLEASING…
Is it a helpful attribute, or no?
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(The notes below are only a brief bullet point summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
What do you think of when you hear that term people pleaser? Does it give you the warm fuzzies or does it make you cringe? Do you see it as a “positive” attribute or something that is maybe less than positive?
I have had my own relationship with the label of people pleaser and how I've understood it, what I've made it mean about me and how it's played a role in my leadership / career. It’s also a common topic of conversation in the coaching I do with leaders and entrepreneurs.
I am not here to say whether people pleasing is good or bad or if you're considered a people pleaser, you should feel either this way or that. I do however, want to talk about what it is and how it can maybe be helpful or how it might actually get in your way.
Even if you don’t have people pleasing tendencies - you can use this content as a way to better understand the people that you lead.
When I first started exploring this topic - I saw these traits as a good thing. However, along the way, I have come to see the underbelly of it and how it actually has been a barrier for me. What I've learned is that the reason behind the people pleasing actions is what makes the difference.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People pleasing, as a behavior, is prioritizing others needs and desires over one's own, often at the expense of personal wellbeing or authenticity.
When you really dissect that definition, the first part of it actually sounds helpful and kind and supportive.
The second part, although not bad, takes it to a different tone. “At the expense” of means that there's some sort of sacrifice or giving something up in order to prioritize somebody else's needs, thoughts or feelings ahead of yours.
Signs of People-Pleasing
Here are a few signs:
Tends to agree with (or pretend to agree with) everyone
Feels responsible for how other people feel
Apologizes or takes the blame often
Calendar or to-do list is filled with things that you think others want you to be doing (not necessarily things you want to be doing)
Avoids conflict or gets really uncomfortable if you think someone might be mad at you
Modify your own behaviors around others or do things that you really don't want to do
I think that personality preferences can play a role in the likelihood of having people-pleasing tendencies.
Impacts of People-Pleasing
Putting other people’s needs in from of your own “at the expense of” can lead to things like:
burnout
increased stress
resentment
loss of trust (of self and others)
decrease in confidence
loss of credibility
afraid to voice opinions
lack of setting boundaries for the fear of confrontation or disapproval
become known as the “doer” - the easy target
The Root of People-Pleasing
There could be several reasons for people-pleasing. Here are a few:
need for approval or a fear of disapproval
fear of rejection
low self-belief, low self-confidence, low self-esteem
desire to avoid conflict
desire to avoid discomfort and the uncertainty of not knowing what would happen
People-pleasing might come into play at the expense authenticity and progress of building something more for yourself.
Bringing Awareness to People-Pleasing
When I started to get really intentional on leveling up my career and my confidence, I started to realize that I am a people pleaser. I had to ask how it is serving me and if it was working against me. This might be helpful for you if you want to unearth and recognize whether or not you have people-pleasing tendencies.
When you put others first - reflect on that. What is the thing that you actually did (the action or behavior) that you might consider to be people pleasing?
Dig deeper. Ask yourself why you did that. Was it for the other person’s benefit or was it really for yours ? Was it to see approval or ‘get’ the person to like you?
Ask questions like: What did they gain? Did they ask for that? What did I gain? What did I lose? At what expense was this action or behavior?
Are You a People-Pleaser?
If you consider yourself a people-pleaser, how do you feel about it? Do you like your reasons? I’ve decided that I don’t like my reasons for being a people-pleaser.
So, where to go from here?
First, understand that it's not all or nothing. It doesn’t mean that not to be a people-pleaser, you have to put yourself first all of the time. That might not feel authentic. It's about knowing when it's authentic to who you are and when it's working against yourself in a self-sabotaging.
Also, start to notice people-pleasing in action. Notice patterns and understand your intentions with the people-pleasing behaviors. Notice what feelings arise. Is it bringing you joy or does it make you feel empty?
Set some boundaries and commitments with yourself.
Watch the assumptions you might make. Assuming what other people might be thinking is usually not helpful.
This might open up avenues where you need to do some more work, some more thought work and / or confidence work. If you start to notice that you have people-pleasing tendencies that do not work for you - you can overcome it.
I have decided I do not want to be a people-pleaser anymore. I still want to be very people forward, people centric. I want to be a people-promoter. I am not going to change that about me. I love that about me. It's really core to who I am. I am about connecting and supporting, but I don't want to do that at the expense of me. I want to make sure I'm in the mix of that. I want to be a part of the equation.
What Do You Think?
Do you consider yourself to be a people-pleaser? How does that show up?
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