EP79: Showing Up When It's Not Easy
YEP - IT TAKES WORK
When things are not going our way - it takes more work to show up in a way we like. But it’s possible.
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I believe that our success and the foundation of us reaching our goals and being who we want to be is rooted in self awareness. From that place we need to take action. But it is, I guess, the most important component in all of this. In this episode / post, I am talking about mindset in action.
The idea for this topic came about through youth sports. Both of my kids are in sports and we're in our spring/summer season. Recently, we were at my son’s state baseball tournament. They are 13 year olds, it was a big deal for them and it was super fun.
It was just so fascinating to watch because when they started in their first game, the energy was high. They were goofy and super excited. They were screaming out the plays and cheering each other on - it was super, super high energy. And then…when they started making mistakes and when things started to go a little downhill and the point spread got wider, the energy went down. You could actually feel it.
This is completely natural - it happens all the time, but because my coach brain always kicks in. I was thinking about what was probably going through their heads. I was imagining that when things were going really well, they were thinking things like:
This is so fun
We are so awesome.
We've totally got this.
And then when it started going downhill, they might have been thinking things like:
We suck.
We're never going to win.
Why should we even try anymore?
And here's how I know that this is probably what was going on: because our thoughts create our results.
Our thoughts generate feelings that drive our actions, that create our results. And so when things are going well and they're thinking all these energetic thoughts, that's exactly what you saw. You saw the enthusiasm and the excitement. The actions that they were taking were cheering each other on and yelling out plays. You could see the high energy in their behaviors. And as a result, they were doing pretty well. They were making some good plays.
And then things shifted. They started to go downhill. The other team was getting big hits. and they were getting runs. And so when they were having the unhelpful thoughts, there was surely some disappointment there. And maybe some unmotivation. The actions I observed where that they stopped talking to each other, stopped calling plays, and when they were getting off the field, they were walking slowly and somberly. There was no cheering each other on. It was very quiet. And the results were that they stopped doing very well and they lost. Now, they might have lost anyway, but I can tell you that the actions, the behaviors, what was happening in that moment did not help to create winning results.
I noticed this the other morning in my work out too. We did some strength training and endurance before getting into a cardio track. And in the beginning, I was feeling super energetic. I was thinking “I've got this, this is so fun! I'm going to totally crush this track”.
And then I started getting tired. I could feel my energy change. And I just watched my brain. My brain was offering: “Oh my gosh, when is this going to be over? I am so out of shape. I can't even believe that I got up this morning to do this.” I could feel myself slowing down a little bit, not doing the moves quite as succinctly. I was just going through the motions, but not in a really effective way. It was so interesting.
When we are winning, the helpful thoughts come easily, right? It's so much easier to have thoughts that can generate those good feelings, those good actions, those good results, because it's easy.
But when we're “losing”, it changes the mood and the energy, and it's harder. It's more difficult to keep helpful thoughts. Our monkey brain kicks in and we might not even notice it, but our results will show it. This is where awareness is key. This is where we need to get intentional.
It’s okay to feel the feelings. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to be unmotivated. I am not suggesting to pretend that those tougher feelings are not there. But the key is really to be aware of the thoughts that you're having when you feel your energy shifts. Because then we have to be a little bit more intentional to think thoughts that actually will be helpful to keep us on track.
Here are some examples of where this might happen in your leadership, career or business:
Leadership: a situation might be when your team is working really well together, things are clicking, people are engaged, results are happening. You might be thinking thoughts around this time like:
Our team is so awesome.
I'm doing a good job as a leader.
My team is doing a good job.
And then all of a sudden there's an unexpected change. Maybe it's a change in staffing or in budget and there's some cuts we have to make or some initiatives that we have to put on the back burner and the team's engagement dips. And when that happens, there's going to be feelings frustration. What happens as a result? There could be some infighting and coworkers not getting along. There could be a lot of water cooler talk which will lead to times of being unproductive. And some of the possible thoughts that might go through your head as a leader could be things like:
It's all gone off the rails.
I'm not good at this.
And if we let those unhelpful thoughts lead the way, then we're going to get results to prove it to be true. You might not show up as an inspirational leader in that moment or in those times. You might join in in the water cooler talk. You might not take actions to help get things back in motion.
Career: You are deciding to seek a new role or go for a promotion or even switch employers. And you're doing all the things and you're feeling hopeful and energized. And based on that feeling of energized, you do some of the actions to support that. So you start networking. You're applying for roles and you're making the connections. You're feeling really, really good about it.
Some of your possible thoughts could be:
I've got this!
This is easy. The future is so bright.
I'm so excited for the new opportunities ahead.
And then…you're not getting responses. You apply for jobs and you hear nothing. You go to networking events and people end up ghosting you afterward.
Your energy shifts and you might be thinking things like:
It's never going to happen.
This is impossible.
Why am I even trying?
I might as well just stay where I am.
And there might be feelings of just giving up - resignation. Just kind of giving up on the whole thing. And when you give up, what are your actions going to be? They're going to be things like you stop applying, you stop networking, and you just go through the humdrum - dissatisfied in what you're currently doing. You don’t get the results that you want. Instead, you're going to prove to yourself that it's never going to happen because you're not doing the things to make it happen.
Your Business: You're on all the socials, you're proposing on work, you're meeting new people, you're telling them what you do. You're feeling very hopeful and energetic and excited about the possibilities because you're out doing all the things with your new business.
And you might be thinking things like:
This is so exciting.
I'm totally owning this.
I can't wait to see what comes of this.
And when you're excited and you're energized, you're going to keep doing those actions, right? You're going to show up the way that you want to show up.
Then you notice you're not getting the likes or the “engagement” on social, clients aren't signing or you're not getting consults booked. Some of your possible thoughts might be:
I'm not good enough.
I made a mistake even starting this business.
Who do I even think I am?
When you have those thoughts, then what's going to happen? You're going to start to play small. You're going to stop showing up on social. You're going to stop telling people what you do. You're going to prove your thoughts to be true.
So I think you can see what I'm suggesting. It's in those times when showing up isn't easy. When we're not in the winning space, we're in more of that losing space - we need to be intentional. We really need to do the work. The work I'm talking about is the thought work. And I just want to be clear, I am not a proponent of just creating some positive rosy flowers and daisies and rainbows thoughts. If you don't believe the thought, it's actually not going to produce the results that you want to get. But we also don't want to swim in the unhelpful thoughts. Because we're not going to get the results we want there either. It has to be something that is realistic.
Here are a couple of things that you can do right now.
Get curious. Do a thought download. Get all the thoughts that are going on in your head about the situation out of your head and onto paper or in a voice memo. Get them out of your head because then you can look at them for what they are - simply thoughts. You can have a little bit more of an objective view. You can pick out the thoughts that you can throw away and identify the ones that you really believe to be true and spend some time working on those. Sometimes it truly is as easy as replacing the thought and telling yourself you're going to think something different. Sometimes it's not.
Do the Model backwards. Start with what you want the result to be (i.e. land a new job). If that's the result you're looking for, then what actions do you need to take in order to get a new job? Well, you need to continue networking. You need to continue applying. Think of all the things that you need to do, what actions and inactions you need to take.
Figure out what feeling you need to feel in order to take those actions (i.e. motivated). What thought do you need to think that might make you feel motivated?
This is a way to come up with an intentional thought from the ground up.
Practice the new thoughts. We can absolutely change our brains. You just have to hold yourself accountable. And there are going to be some it's going to take a little bit more work for sure. Be on to yourself and continue to practice. Notice when the monkey brain kicks in and starts thinking the old thoughts.
If the new thought seems too unbelievable, then we do something that's called a ladder thought. Instead of saying something like, “I'm going to be the most amazing leader in the world”, it might be, “I'm becoming someone who believes that I can be the type of leader my team needs”.
Take action.
You can also help others through this. This is especially important and helpful in your leadership. When you have this knowledge, when you know how this self awareness thing works, when you can help yourself with the thought work - you can guide others as well. You can coach them through, helping them to reveal the thoughts and helping them to shift their mindset.
Be in observation mode. It is quite fascinating. And you will start to see and believe and learn how magical this truly is.
What do you think?
How do you show up when you are having unhelpful thoughts?
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